Laying It Down & Getting Real

Coming to that place of trust. Pure. Sweet. Simple. Trust. Total trust in the only One who is truly trustworthy. It is a hard journey, but in the end it is worth all the pain.

You see, it's like this, for the past 12 1/2 years life has thrown some serious assaults at me. Some of these thing all of us have had to go through: natural disasters, man-made disasters, recession.

In addition to multiple hurricanes, BP Oil spill, and loss of income, I've lost both my Mom (2004) and my Dad (2014) to cancer. Even my 14 year old dog, my heart and only roommate since 2001, had to be put to sleep in 2007 due to cancer.

That's another thing, being alone. The decades keep passing, and yet I'm still single, desiring children. The emotional turmoil can cut deep.

Add to this people apparently seem to need to tell me what is wrong with me. What's up with that? Society seems to have gotten much more opinionated and critical (ironic since society also is demanding tolerance more and more). I get that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm an introvert and  straight-up truthful. I've learned to keep my opinions mostly to myself, but haven't learned the artful act of 'politely lying'. I hate lying and I'm not any good at it. I've asked Daddy G-D to change me into an optimist--seeing good within any given situation.

So to sum up: Career tanking, Parents and "Babygirl" gone, Bank Account $0 at times, Fighting verbal abuse & insecurities, and Unfilled dreams

How do I combat all this? Lay down and give up? Believe me, I've thought about it!

My first line of defense as a born-again Charismatic Christian is to battle as I have been taught. Yes, we Charismatics love to go to war! We lift up our request to Daddy G-D, with a truly thankful heart. We find G-D's promises within His Word (Holy Bible) and we declare it! Decree it! Stand on it! We rebuke the kingdom of darkness, cast out demons, tear down strongholds, and bind evil from operating in the situation.

What do you do when the answers don't come? Trust G-D. Yeah, right. No, I have an emotional meltdown. Oh, at first I continued to stand in faith. The first few years were not too hard. Yes, even when my Mom lost her battle with cancer. I love her and it did hurt--the tearing away of the person who always had my back and took care of me even when I didn't want her to get involved. But I held on to my faith in G-D's Word. Like a pit bull on a ham bone, I became tenacious.

I sought G-D's ways for my finances, and kept praying for my family situation.

The fire intensified.

By 2011 most of the fight had gone out of me. I was tired, and by now my Dad was battling cancer too. My line of defense simply became, "L-RD, please restore my Dad back to me. Please don't leave me here alone." Fear of being alone, poor or even homeless, and not safe ruled my thoughts.

What do you do when you've done everything you know to do and prayers still are not answered?

Like I said earlier, I had an emotional meltdown...to the point of desiring non-existence. Yes, that's right. Visions of running a knife over my throat bombarded me. All the while, I'm going to school and not saying a word. I'm going to church, lifting my hands in sincere praise to my King, and not saying a word. Except for talking briefly with two friends (and praise G-D that there were those two), I kept silent. I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and kept hoping for release from the pain of hopelessness. I have now known the pain of wanting so desperately for the pain to stop that the mental image of blood flowing down my neck seemed like such a sweet release.

Daddy G-D is so amazing! Not only did He keep me from doing something that would not solve my problems, but He revealed a portion of the depth of His love for me.

I know that the sin of murder has been forgiven. I have entered into this forgiveness by G-D's grace through faith in His Beloved Son, Jesus. I had no fear of going to hell because I am sure of this forgiveness. That's a dangerous place for a person in pain to be. He showed me an image of Himself standing with His arms wide open, waiting to embrace me, and that yes, my sins have been fully wiped out by the sacrifice of my Lord and Savior Jesus, the Messiah of the world. All that He has for me is unconditional love. Love so overpowering I knew I couldn't quit on Him.

It was that image--that image of His arms wide open, and of His immense love for me--that stopped me in my tracks. I knew at that moment that He so totally and completely loves me, and that He's not disappointed in me or in what I do because He understands. I put away thoughts of escaping, not because of fear of hell, but because I would have been disappointed in myself for quitting on His plans for my life.

Because He understands. That knowledge is like the soothing balm of Gilead. Sweet smelling. Comforting. When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane He was fighting against darkness. So much more was happening than what is seen on the surface of reading the text. Our depression, our feelings of worthlessness, abandonment, shame, and even our thoughts of suicide were being transferred over onto Him. Yet, in the midst of all of this, He was obedient. Winning our victory! Not my will, but Yours, Daddy G-D, be done.

So began my faith's road to recovery. Losing faith in G-D is the bottom of the pit. When you don't have faith in the One who created you, what else is left? The thing I've learned is that I had a strong faith in the Word of G-D, and some faith in faith, but I had little faith in Daddy G-D Himself. I didn't really know Him. Oh I knew from His Word that He is faithful and trustworthy. It was His Word that kept me holding onto Him and crying out for Him to deliver me.

What do I do now that things still are not as I had hoped? I trust Him. Yes, I trust Him. It was a long, hard road getting to this place, but I trust Him. Whatever may happen, I look to Him. And trust Him. He is trustworthy. He is strong, steadfast, unwavering. He is my all in all. He is my King. He is my Lord. He is my G-D. I belong to Him, and He can choose to do with my life as He chooses. My will is broken. His will is true, and He has a good plan for me. I may not know what He will do in answer to my prayers, but I know I can trust Him. I am even getting to the place where I don't need to know, because I trust Him. Here's a song to sum it up...

♫ Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

♪ I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You! ♪♪♪

♪ Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You! ♪♪♪

♫ You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

♫ Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You! ♪♪♪

I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You! 

~Lauren Daigle, Trust In You